


I’ve been here before

by xsticknoodlesx



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst, Finding Out About Secret Relationship, Fluff, How Do I Tag, I'll Tag Other Tags Should The Need Arise, M/M, My First Work in This Fandom, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Canon, Secret Relationship, Somebody Lives/Not Everyone Dies, mentions of illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-07-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:20:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25091500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xsticknoodlesx/pseuds/xsticknoodlesx
Summary: As soon as Sophia saw Francis again, she knew he was no longer in love with her. [...] But in the way he held James Fitzjames upright as they left the HMS Enterprise, the way he shielded him from view using his own body as a barrier and the way he spoke so quietly, so intimately to him, Sophia could see that she was no longer the object of his desires.---Aka: Sophia realises Francis doesn't love her anymore. Francis and James realise that she knows.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Commander James Fitzjames, Sophia Cracroft & Captain Francis Crozier, Sophia Cracroft & Commander James Fitzjames
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	I’ve been here before

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! My first work for The Terror after being obsessed with it for literal years!  
> Set to the lyrics of "Hallelujah" so that is where the title and lyrics are from. I hope you enjoy^^
> 
> I will definitely continue my other WIPs, like the Cats one is halfway done with he new chapter so if anyone's wondering stay tuned! Enjoy ^^

_Well baby, I’ve been here before_

As soon as Sophia saw Francis again, she knew he was no longer in love with her. He had loved her before he left, had surely been in love with her during part of his journey and might have still been in love with her had things gone differently.

But in the way he held James Fitzjames upright as they left the HMS Enterprise, the way he shielded him from view using his own body as a barrier and the way he spoke so quietly, so intimately to him, Sophia could see that she was no longer the object of his desires. No one else seemed to notice but Sophia knew. Sophia knew what Francis looked like when he was in love.

She stood by, holding her gloves to her chest as man after man left the ship, looking malnourished, sickly and weak. Sophia couldn’t even begin to imagine the terror that these men had faced but she was sure that it had changed all of them. Francis’ stewart left the ship after the captain, held up by two of his crewmates. The doctor – or surgeon, Sophia could never remember which one – came after them and with him two other men who he kept silently talking to. They all looked so horrible that it made tears rise in her eyes. Eventually, the handful of survivors had left the HMS Enterprise but her uncle and Lady Jane’s husband wasn’t one of them.

“Where is he?” She heard Lady Jane whisper from beside her. “Where is John?”

Sophia didn’t know what to answer. Lady Jane knew what this meant as well as anyone else but no one dared to say a word to the poor woman who had just realised she was now widowed. Tears gathered in Sophia’s eyes.

“He did not come back.”

The way Lady Jane whispered these words, full of despair and hopelessness as though her heart had just shattered in that exact moment, made Sophia’s own heart clench in sympathy. She didn’t say a word and though she knew it was hardly the same thing, she knew that Francis – her Francis – had not come back either.

_I’ve seen this room and I've walked this floor_

Sophia paced the rooms connecting to Francis’ bedroom. He had been in there for hours on end, insisting on having James stay, insisting on helping the doctors care for him, no matter his own condition. He had done so for almost two weeks now. Sophia didn’t really want to wait and confront Francis, but she didn’t want to venture down to the living room either. Not when Lady Jane was down there, mourning her husband’s death and Sophia knew nothing to comfort her.

Then the doors opened and Francis stepped out, breathing heavily, clearly still not feeling himself again, talking the doctor from his expedition in a hushed voice. The two men stopped when they saw Sophia.

“Miss Cracroft.” The doctor said quickly, extending a hand to her in greeting. “My name is Harry Goodsir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“The pleasure is mine, Dr Goodsir.”

Before Harry could protest, Francis stopped him. “One of the best doctors I have ever met and certainly the one person I trust to look after James.”

James – not Captain Fitzjames, not Commander Fitzjames. It seemed so very intimate that Sophia had no idea how no one else had seen this yet. Not even Harry seemed to have caught on – or maybe he had and was too polite to say anything about it. Nevertheless, he went through his medicine, gave something to Francis and then bid his farewell, leaving Sophia alone with the man.

“Sophia, how may I help you?”

“I never expected you to befriend Captain Fitzjames.” She said softly, cursing herself for not being more subtle.

“Being forced to survive the horrors of the Arctic will do that to a man, I suppose.”

“How are the other men? Have you received word from them by now?” Sophia asked in concern. “I heard Mr Jopson is fairing rather well, given what he had been through.”

“He has always been a fighter.” Francis nodded. “I was so very relieved when I received word from him, saying that he would be fine in a matter of weeks.”

Then Sophia decided to prod further. “I suppose he is an exception, is he not? Your expedition has lost a great many men, has it not?”

“Sadly, yes. The cold, the animal that had pursued us, the carnival fire and the march South took a toll on everyone. And those who survived and were rescued still had the journey back to make which not everyone survived.” Francis said in a quiet voice, so unlike himself.

“How is Captain Fitzjames fairing? Will he be alright?” 

“According to what Dr Goodsir said the worst has passed and it is only a matter of time until he will be up and about again.” Francis said, relief betraying his voice.

Sophia smiled gently. “I am glad to hear that.”

“Was there anything else you needed from me?”

Sophia thought of all the questions swarming her mind, about Francis’ relationship with James, about his feeling for her, their future and about the expedition. But she didn’t dare ask them, afraid of what Francis would answer.

“No, nothing else. I was merely concerned about the health of our guest. It was very nice of you to let him stay for this admittedly rather long time.”

“Has his presence been bothering you?”

“Not at all!” Sophia said quickly. “I must leave now. Would you please give Captain Fitzjames my kindest regards and tell him that I wish him a quick recovery.”

“I will.”

_I used to live alone before I knew you_

“She knows, Francis.”

James could see the way Francis tensed up at that, albeit only briefly before he went back to gently wiping down his lover’s face with a wet cloth. Once he deemed James’ face clean enough, he finally turned to look at him. The brunet was looking back at him with a concerned expression. Francis couldn’t help how the fact that James’ voice sounded so much better now outweighed any worries about what his words implied.

“Who knows what, James? I’m afraid you need to elaborate.”

“Miss Cracroft.” James pushed himself up in the bed, ignoring Francis’ concerned glances at the sudden movement. “She knows about our secret.”

“How could she possibly know? The only times she has as much as met you was when we were in the gardens and I had to support you because you were still weak.”

“I’m not certain how she knows but I know that she does.” James shook his head slowly. “The way she watches us, especially when you guide me through the gardens or help me join her and Lady Jane for dinner.”

Francis paused for a second. “But if she knew we were romantically engaged or even had the slightest suspicion that we are, surely, she would have brought it up.”

“I suppose you’re right.”

“Now, James, you should not worry yourself about that and rest, yes?” Francis’ voice was softer now, much more caring than before. “Is there anything else you need?”

“Would you tell me a story?” James closed his eyes.

A fond chuckle left Francis’ mouth, a sound so wonderful that James had to smile. Francis ran a hand through James’ hair and if anyone would have seen them, it might not have looked as innocent was simply wiping it from his eyes anymore. “You’d allow me to tell you a story? Are you not the storyteller of us?”

“In the sickbay of the Enterprise, when he could finally speak again, Jopson told me how you cared for him the night before you left, the night before you met the rescue expedition. You told him a story that he fondly recounted to me. He said it amused him and made him smile in this trying time. Would you tell it to me, Francis?”

“Of course.”

_And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch_

“You know.”

Sophia, who had been sitting in the chair next to James’ bed after finally gathering to courage to speak to the man who Francis was undoubtedly in love with, looked up at him. She slowly lowered the book she had been reading to keep the man company but not disturb him and raised an eyebrow.

“Captain Fitzjames, you need to elaborate.”

“Please, do call me James, Miss Cracroft.”

“Very well then, James, you need to elaborate.”

James took a deep breath. “Ever since Francis and I returned you seemed to keep a close eye on the two of us. Have you noticed a change in Francis’ behaviour, so to speak?”

“I have.” Sophia was quiet for a few moments. “I believe I know what you are talking about, James.”

“You do?”

“Francis used to love me. He was madly in love with me, trying to elope day after day, giving me presents and taking me to the theatre.” Sophia recounted softly although she couldn’t quite keep the sadness out of her voice. “I know how Francis looks at someone he loves.”

Sophia was startled when James all but jumped up at that, seemingly panicking. She hadn’t meant to agitate the man and quickly stood from her chair, guiding him down onto the bed again. When he had finally settled down with much persuasion and words of reassurance, she let go of him, straightening her dress and sighing softly.

“I am not angry. I am merely hurt that Francis didn’t have the courage to tell me that he has fallen out of love with me.” She explained with great sadness in her voice. “I noticed, of course, because I am no fool and not a naïve little girl anymore. But nonetheless, it hurt that he never thought of telling me.”

“Ms Cracroft, I am terribly sorry that you feel as though Francis does not love you anymore but I can assure you that he does. He has experienced great terrors and it may take him some time to come to terms with all of it.”

“James, please do not lie to me. I can accept the truth if he would only present it to me. And I do believe I know who is the object of his affections now. You initiated this conversation, so please do not try to deter me from what I already know.”

James watched in fright as she stood up, gathered her belongings and gave him a soft smile. Then she made her way to the door. James scrambled up but remained on the bed if only because of the stern look Sophia had given him the last time he had tried to stand. She turned at the noise of his movement and gave him a questioning glance.

“Ms Cracroft, I-”

“Please, James, would you call me Sophia? If you are to be the new object of his affections, I expect to see you around a lot, so it is only sensible to drop the formalities on both parts. Have a good day, James.”

Before James could get another word out, she had left. He slowly sunk back onto his bed, left to stare at the door she had closed on his attempts to explain.

_And love is not a victory march_

“No matter how much you loved me, your attempts at winning my affections have always felt like I was your next big discovery, your next win.”

“Sophia, no.” Francis shook his head, keeping his voice down to not wake James in the other room. He himself was only wearing a nightshirt and a dressing gown after his evening visit to James, feeling terribly exposed to Sophia. “You were never a price to win.”

“Oh, but I felt like it, no matter what intentions you had.” She sighed softly. “The way you were all these years ago hurt me, Francis.”

“I am truly sorry, Sophia. It has never been my intention to hurt you.”

“I know.” And then she smiled softly. “And I know why you are no longer in love with me. I do not hold it against you in any way, Francis.”

“You know? What do you think you know? I am sure this is a misconception.”

“It is not a misconception and not something I merely think. I know why you are no longer in love with me. I am not stupid, Francis, and I am not blind. I see the way you look at him with such adoration, the way you touch him with such devotion and the things you do for him in the blink of an eye, without him even needing to ask.”

“Sophia-”

“You love James.” Sophia said quietly. “I know that you love him, Francis. And I am aware of what you must do and how you must speak to him in private.”

Francis was quiet for a while before finally talking. “I am so sorry, Sophia.”

“I am not angry. I am merely upset that you never told me before. I had to confront you about it, to hear it from you and I had to figure it out myself so I could even talk to you about it.” 

“Sophia, I am so sorry.”

“I know.”

_It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah_

“We need to stop doing this while other people are in this house.” Francis chastised but was cut up when James kissed him yet again.

“But Francis, the only other person home at the moment is Sophia and she already knows.” James protested weakly. “I have been so weak for so long and you didn’t dare touch me in fear of breaking me. Now I need to feel you again.”

“James.” Francis said in a raspy voice. “Sophia came to the conclusion that we are in love but she has no evidence of it. Lord knows what would happen should she catch us.”

James sighed in frustration. “But I have missed your touch so dearly. I have longed to be held by you for weeks. I am no longer weak. You can touch me as you did before all of these horrible things happened.”

“James-”

Once again he was cut off by James kissing him and this time, he let him do as he pleased, let him wrap his arms around his neck, let him lean in closer. Francis simply closed his eyes, following James’ example and losing himself in the gentle touch of his lover, the soft lips pressed to his own and the comforting heat of the other’s body.

It was so wonderful that for the longest time neither of them noticed the presence of another person in the room. When they finally separated for breath and Francis opened his eyes, he froze. James’ eyes flew open at his lover’s seeming distress and he turned to find Sophia standing in the door. She was frozen in place, colour rising to her cheeks and desperately trying to find something to say.

It was Francis who spoke. “Sophia, please, I must beg you to not tell anyone what you saw mere seconds ago. If this were to come out into the public, James and I would face terrible consequences.”

Sophia looked at him for a moment before a smile tore her face. “My lips are sealed, Francis. There is no need to worry.”

“Is there anything you want from us in return?” James scrambled for a compromise. “Is there anything we can do for you?”

Francis looked back at James and then at Sophia. “What about this situation lifted your spirits so that you smile?”

The woman never stopped smiling, only eyeing them softly. “I would never dream of tearing you two from one another. Although Francis’ love is not mine any longer, I am delighted to see that he still has such deep feelings for someone else. This is no price to win, no way of dealing with horrid memories. This seems like genuine love.”

“Does it?”

“Not just this moment, but the way you treat each other. The way that despite your own ailments and worries, you always care for the other so selflessly. The way Francis never ceases to help James in his time of need, helping him when he was too weak to even stand on his own. The way James ignores his pain and presses Francis to care for himself – which I am thankful for, if I may say so.”

James dared to smile at the last comment. “I am glad to be of help.”

Francis was shocked by James’ smile before Sophia gave a soft laugh. “I am happy for you, Francis.”

“Thank you, Sophia. How could we ever repay you?”

“No need, Francis. Believe it or not, I am purely interested in your well-being.”

“But is there not anything we can do to thank you?”

“Perhaps there is.”

“What is it?” James asked then, looking at the woman in interest. “I am sure whatever it is, we can give it to you.”

Sophia smiled warmly at them, with so much affection and care. “Would you remain my friend, Francis? Now that you have found someone who you love, will you not abandon me wholly? Your presence is still so charming and sweet.”

“I would never abandon you.”

“Neither would I.”

Sophia looked back at James and chuckled at his comment to which Francis smiled. Francis was not in love with her anymore but he loved her nonetheless – his love for her was simply different from his love for James. No matter how much love he extended towards James, he could always love Sophia, as well. Love was not a finite thing that could be used up.

_Hallelujah, Hallelujah_

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed it!  
> Kudos and Comments are always appreciated!
> 
> I will definitely write for The Terror from now on, like more about Fitzier or Sophia to Hallelujah verses probably or something about others like Goodsir and Silna!
> 
> See you ^^


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